Don't Apologize, Just Don't Do It
by lovergirl85
Summary: KLBD: Ben walks in on James about to do something Ben has done and regretted. WARNING! Deals with self-harm. If this is a trigger DO NOT READ!


"The hell are you doing, kid?" James jumped in surprise, a startled noise working its way out of his throat as he spun around to stare wide-eyed at the soldier who had come in behind him, mouth going dry at the sight of Fox in the doorway. The object in his hand slipped and fell to the ground with a clatter that in reality probably wasn't that loud, but in James's mind, now, was deafening.

Fox's eyes tracked it, darkening once he realized _exactly_ what it was that James had come in here to do. He growled lowly and James, never let it be said that he was stupid, took a step back from the soldier. However, where most people caught in his situation would stammer out excuses and stories, James met his gaze head-on. Fox had walked in on him with a knife pressed to his wrist. There was no misinterpretation as to what he had seen so James saw no point in denying it.

However, it didn't make getting caught any more pleasant.

"Making oatmeal cookies."

Sarcasm was always a good fallback.

Except for when it wasn't. Like now.

Fox's hand slammed into the wall beside James's head. James, to his credit, barely flinched as Fox's snarling face got up in his. He even went to so far as to tip his head up in a challenge. If anything, Fox looked even more angry at the action. Well, tough on him. If James's own dad couldn't make him back off, then no way would some guy that James had known less than a year be able to even if he was a soldier.

"You think this is funny, kid? Do you have any idea what you were about to do?" There's the anger James expected, but there also seemed like there was something else in there, too. James smirked in retaliation.

"The voices in my head hadn't gotten that loud yet, so yeah, I'd say I know what I was doing." At that, Fox's angry visage fell away, leaving something vulnerable that James had never expected to see, never _wanted_ to see on his face. The soldiers weren't supposed to be vulnerable because they were supposed to be the ones keeping them safe. James felt a flash of self-loathing at himself for causing it, in addition to a small amount of wonder that he had caused it at all.

Before he could dwell on that thought too closely, he was distracted by Fox stepping away, dragging a hand over his face and suddenly looking much older than his years. James wasn't sure of his age, but he'd place him at early thirties. Another niggle of guilt that would've made James squirm if he were younger spiked through him. He watched as the soldier stepped back and shut the door behind him, locking it.

James watched with a small amount of trepidation. He wasn't scared of Fox hurting him (he had shown time and time again that he wouldn't) but the bathroom was also typically the place where Serious Talks were had because it offered the most privacy. Bedrooms were a joke, as everyone shared one, and typically where one person was, another was bound to follow.

"I thought I shut that," he commented instead, hoping to break the silence as Fox had yet to say anything.

"You left it cracked," Fox told him, and there was a faint chiding tone in his voice telling James that next time he needed to be more careful and make sure he was truly alone and safe before he did something so phenomenally _stupid._ James didn't fancy himself able to read so deep into someone's tones but he imagined that if Fox were less restrained then that's what he would've said. And James could concede the point. He was, after all, the one stupid enough to get caught.

"That's unfortunate," he said instead.

"That's debatable," Fox countered.

"Unfortunate for me," James amended. Fox narrowed his eyes and nodded at the toilet bowl. James sat and Fox sat on the side of the tub next to him. Fox looked at him for a long moment and reached up towards his head several times before dropping his hand. If James had to guess, he'd say that Fox used to have a nervous habit of running his fingers through his hair. He'd Jessie do it often enough. She would run her fingers through her hair and if it was up in a ponytail, she'd finish by tugging on the end of that. If it was down, she'd finish by tugging on her ear.

One time Alex had been teasing her about it and had tugged on her ponytail for her. She'd looked at him a long moment and then told him he was doing it wrong. Alex had blushed and stammered something out. Jessie had had a stain of pink on her cheeks but managed to keep her composure. James had been impressed and gave her a high five, pointedly ignoring Alex's glare.

"James," Fox started, stopped and fell silent, clearly not thinking that whatever tactic he'd been about to try would work. He frowned, staring down at his hands. James waited.

"My name is Ben."

James's mouth dropped open in surprise. Out of all the things Fox…_no, Ben_…Ben could've said to him, that wasn't it.

"Kae mentioned your name being Benjamin at one point," he blurted instead and winced. He hadn't meant to say that. "Then she decided it couldn't be that because to her it sounded too English." Ben snorted.

"I know she was calling Wolf Amingo Montoya the other day," Fox snorted. "He had no clue what she was referring too." Eagle had promptly started cracking up when he heard it and when a confused and irritated (because for Wolf confusion and irritation went hand in hand) Wolf turned to him for an explanation Eagle had explained it using voices and everything. Wolf had stared at him for a long moment before snorting, "I always knew you were secretly a girl." A lamp and a coffee table were the casualties that followed.

The moment of humor had broken the tension in the room, but now that the light-hearted moment had passed an awkward tension had settled over the room. James couldn't contain the slight fidget and he tugged on the end of his sleeve restlessly. Ben was back to regarding him with eyes that seemed far too old. James couldn't look at him and the silence stretched.

"I did that," Ben spoke again and James jumped. He chanced a glance at the soldier, but Ben was looking at something over his shoulder. The teen resisted the urge to turn around and look. He wouldn't see what Ben was seeing anyway. Instead, James regarded the man carefully, taking the time to study him. Ben had lines in his forehead that James had never noticed before…probably because Ben could put on and take off facades as easily as changing his shirt. If Ben didn't want them to see lines in his forehead they wouldn't see lines in his forehead.

"When we got back from our first tour in Afghanistan, I was stupid," Ben continued lowly. "I saw horrible things over there and when I got back, I thought I would be okay. I just needed a break. Except then I couldn't…I didn't…I closed myself off from my unit. I kept telling myself I was fine and all I needed was a few good nights of sleep, except they never came. I had nightmares at night and flashbacks during the day and it didn't get better, it got worse.

I remembered in high school there was this kid who claimed it worked, it helped focus him, deal with stuff at home. So I decided to try it." Ben snorted humorlessly and focused on James again. "It went on for two weeks. Eagle was the one who caught me at it. I've never seen him so angry." He looked at James for another moment and then pulled back the sleeve of his arm and presented his wrist to James. He took it and ran his fingers over the thin white scars. Time and exposure to the sun had faded them, but they were still there.

"What happened?" James asked in a whisper. Ben didn't withdraw his arm, simply let the boy look to his heart's content.

"I had to go in for therapy and counseling. There was talk of discharging me from the army," Ben answered. "Wolf was the one who fought that. He was determined that the four of us were going to on to the SAS together. I still have to go in for regular check-ups every time I'm off duty."

"I'm sorry," James blurted and then bit his tongue. Ben didn't want his apology, stupid. Ben was angry at him. He was going to call James an idiot, a failure and then leave. Ben, however, was not his father and he saw something James's face that made him reach out and pull him close in an awkward, one-armed hug.

"Don't apologize," he said gruffly into his hair. "Just don't do it."

James would deny to the end of his days that a tear escaped his eye as he nodded into Ben's shoulder.

KBLDKBLDKLBD

So I actually have a legitimate excuse for not writing and posting. The last two and a half weeks my computer was scattered across my supervisor's front room floor getting repaired.

Thank you for bearing with me and I hope to have the next chapter up soon!


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